CHECK YOUR CHILD’S HOMEWORK
The following is collation of children’s projects, which is proof that parents don’t take enough interest in their child’s education. For godness sake, people, please check your child’s work before they take it back to school.
And from all of these I can’t quite decide what is worst. Is it the fact that the kids all look so damn proud of themselves, the fact that the teachers seem not to have noticed what the projects were about to allow them to display them in the first place, the fact that the first one appears to be displayed in a shopping centre, or that the last girl seems to have won some sort of award for her work on “Aids! The Gay Plague!”
WTF??????
Filed under Funny...or not, Gripes, Random Stuff | Comment (0)Australian Tourism Q&A
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe …Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ….oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
Filed under Funny...or not | Comment (0)SWINE FLU
What’s the hottest topic around at the moment? Swine Flu!!! Here’s some information to help you deal with this deadly virus:
REAL LIVE MEDICAL INFORMATION:
Flu is categorised into a number of different types, ie flu A, flu B & flu C. Flu A is the bird form (humans also have a flu A). Then we further categorise it according to the surface molecules, the H (for Haemagglutinin) and the N on the surface.
This new strain, what we’re calling “swine flu” is a H1N1 virus, which we know circulates in humans, pigs and birds. We’re guessing that initially a pig got some of its flu from a bird and then co-mixed that with the human form to produce this hybrid, which is why there are elements of all three.
AND OUR SPIN ON THE SITUATION:
How it all started….
How it’s being transmitted…
How to reduce the symptoms…
How to help friends & family who are diagnosed with Swine Flu….
And clearly some people have too much time on their hands 
DRAFT OVER 60′S
Drafting Guys over 60 —- this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier.
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b….
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
It’s purposely in big type so your senior friends can read it.
Housekeeping Monthly – The Good Wife’s Guide
YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME???!!!!!
Whilst there are times I rue living in this century, as I love fashion from the 1920’s to 1960’s, the following proves that I just wasn’t cut out for that era. If it’s not offensive enough that there was actually a magazine called “Housekeeping Monthly”, just take a look at this article that was published in 1955:
And remember, a good wife always knows her place!!!! HA!
Filed under Funny...or not, Gripes, Random Stuff | Comment (0)The Good ‘Ol Days
I’m thinking the production of a time-machine is in order….
Bayer’s Heroin
A bottle of Bayer’s heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children with strong cough.
Coca Wine
Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.
Mariani Wine
Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it’s time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal…..hey, what’s good for the pope is good for me!
Maltine
Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York . It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should take half a glass.
A Paper Weight
A paper weight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne (Mannheim , Germany). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.
Opium for Asthma
Gee, I really hope this helps you breath better. Oh hell, who cares really?!
Cocaine tablets (1900)
All stage actors, singers teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to “smooth” the voice.
Cocaine drops for toothache
Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did it relieve the pain, but it also made the children happy! Perhaps we need this back on the market for all those “emo kids”.
Opium for babies
I’m sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but 46% alcohol!!!!!)
And to add Pete’s spin on this:
“Our grandparents and parents have tried to guilt-trip us into believing they walked a thousand miles, barefoot through the snow to buy a small loaf of bread and a potato which then had to feed their whole family of 48, who all lived in a tiny one-room cottage built out of twigs by your grandfather… but in actual fact they were really sitting in their lounge-room the whole time so doped-up, that the entire adventure only happened in their drug-filled heads. “
Filed under Random Stuff | Comment (0)Happy 50th Birthday, Barbie!
Well, it was inevitable! Finally, as Barbie turns 50, she begins to resemble the “average woman” in 2009.
Happy 50th, Barbs! Why don’t you get stuck into that triple choc mud cake topped with custard-filled profiteroles and an extra dollop of cream?!
C’mon, it’ll make me feel better about myself
Extreme Sheep LED Art
If you haven’t already seen this fabulous co-op of LED and herding genius, take a look at the video below. I can only imagine how much time, money and effort went into this production, and I really hope the sponsorship paid off for these guys.
Where do people come up with these ideas?
Filed under Random Stuff | Comment (0)Slap Chop
Enjoy coleslaw, but don’t like chopping the vegetables? Hate chopping onions? Can’t do it without crying? You, me and about a million other people …
“as seen on TV”
TV ads are always claiming they have the solution! A brand new product that they guarantee to be the easiest and quickest way to chop, slice, dice and grate. But I’m confident that the Slap Chop wins “hands down”, after seeing it in action:
Checkout the video below to see why I’m sold:
If you’re as keen as I am, then buy the Slap Chop now from Amazon:
Filed under Random Stuff, TV | Comment (0)FIREMAN
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, ‘What are you?’
He says, ‘I’m a Fireman.’
‘But you’re only wearing a glass jar?’, says the woman.
‘Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I’ll come as fast as I can!’
Filed under Funny...or not | Comment (0)