The Woman’s Lament

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ’seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ‘ The Stance.’

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance.’

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser . In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT . It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every ima ginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire h ose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat . You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

WHY GOD MADE MOTHERS

Why God made Mums — BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other Mum?
1. We’re related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a clot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lo t more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dad s are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Raincoats

For anyone who has ever wondered why raincoats are yellow….this should explain everthing!!!!

Puddles....yippeee

Gee, it's chilly out here...

Oh, I know why....I forgot my scarf!!!

Oh dear!!!!!

Tact and Diplomacy

Consider substituting the name ”Ron” for “Pete”, and the name Julie for “Kristy”, and you have an inkling of how I feel

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes  harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they  were younger.  When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are  over-sensitive and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,  Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie  to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her  age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home  from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she  has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t shout  at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets  dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again  is out of the question; I’m ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s usual  for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can  by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t  clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to  motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it  is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take  them for better or worse, so I just smile   and  offer encouragement. I tell  her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have   to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and  then won’t hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She  has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and  several extra breaks when she’s vacuuming through the house. It does annoy  me, vacuuming when I’m trying to watch my favorite program, but I try not to  make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea  and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she  may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I’m not  saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it  difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how  frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a  little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this  article, I will consider that writing it was well  worthwhile. After all, we  are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch  Stanley  screwdriver rammed up his posterior with only 2 inches showing.
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence  that he accidentally sat on it.

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD

I’m not sure who’s the original author of this piece, but I really have to give them credit for a spectacularly hilarious rant, which all rings “oh so familiar” …oh yeah that’s right, this year I turn 30…OMG!!!!!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…Uphill…barefoot…BOTH ways!!!

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
…Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove …. Imagine that!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted
five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

Clever Advertising

I really have to give kudos to many marketers and advertisers out there….there’s more to it than you would believe.  If you want to know more about the ads you see everyday, check out the Gruen Transfer hosted by Wil Anderson (http://www.abc.net.au/tv/gruentransfer/) for not just an informative view but also an entertaining look at the world of advertising.  The Gruen Transfer is on ABC1 Wednesday nights 9pm, right after Spicks and Specks.  For those who missed it, you can check it out on Thursday nights on ABC2 at 8:30pm……go on give it a go!

And on the topic of advertising, there has been a lot of media coverage over the last few days with Pauline Hanson and “those photos” – is it her? Is it not her?  Well in the afternoons in Brisbane, there is a free newspaper that is pretty good for the bottom of the bird cage….until this appeared: 

Nice work Nandos…..some very clever (and prompt) advertising

The Nandos ad reminded me (well actually, it reminded Pete, who in turn reminded me)  of the Veet ad used in the USA when Obama was elected president:

Nice work Veet…..another example of advertisers jumping on the bandwagon quickly.  And if I may be frank, I think there’d be very few who wouldn’t praise this ad campaign.

And these are just for your enjoyment…..again, a great campaign from Lynx:

Cyanide and Happiness

So so wrong…but so so entertaining 

Clarkson Quotes

Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson is full of wisdom…anyone who has watched as much as a snippet of the show will already be aware of this.  Here’s some of Clarkson’s finest quotes:

‘I’m sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like
having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.’

‘… the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying
there will be no war with Germany ‘

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: ‘It couldn’t pull a greased
stick out of a pig’s bottom’

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: ‘there is a word to describe this car: it
begins with ’s’ and ends with ‘t’ and it isn’t soot

‘The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite’

‘The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw.’

‘Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable
than what… BEING STABBED?’

‘This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Ooh good I’ve got
syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”

‘I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?’

Clarkson’s highway code on cyclists: ‘Trespassers in the motorcars domain,
they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road,
some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an
obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.’

‘ Britain ’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because
they don’t have wheel-chair access.’

On Mandela’s claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: ‘Well Mr
Mandela why don’t you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes
which way her parents voted?’

‘Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don’t feature enough
affordable cars on the show……so we’ll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!’

On the Lotus Elise: ‘This car is more fun than the entire French air force
crashing into a firework factory.’

‘Sure it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved…
for a murderer.’

‘I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal’s duty to
be on my plate at supper time.’

‘There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching… on their face.’

‘Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you
like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it
helps.’

‘You cannot have this car with a diesel. It’s like saying, I won’t go to
Stringfellows tonight, I’ll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she’s a
woman!’

‘Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar…
in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
President.’

On the Porsche Cayenne: ‘Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous
wounds than this… It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.’

Sharemarket Explained

If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help…

Once upon a time in a village in India, a man arrived and announced to the villagers that he wanted to buy monkeys and he would pay $10 each for them.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, it became more difficult to catch the monkeys and the villagers stopped their efforts.

The man then announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch one!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.’The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! 

Welcome to the Sharemarket!

How the markets really work…

In today’s economic climate, these guys  seem ahead of their time, given that this was filmed in 2007.