TRIVIAL FORSOOTH
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in-Seine.
- A backward poet writes inverse
- A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
- When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
- A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
- What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- Every calendar’s days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- A midget fortune-teller prison escapee is a small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
WONDER DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates me lancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, ‘You make me want to be a better person.’
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
CHECK YOUR CHILD’S HOMEWORK
The following is collation of children’s projects, which is proof that parents don’t take enough interest in their child’s education. For godness sake, people, please check your child’s work before they take it back to school.
And from all of these I can’t quite decide what is worst. Is it the fact that the kids all look so damn proud of themselves, the fact that the teachers seem not to have noticed what the projects were about to allow them to display them in the first place, the fact that the first one appears to be displayed in a shopping centre, or that the last girl seems to have won some sort of award for her work on “Aids! The Gay Plague!”
WTF??????
Filed under Funny...or not, Gripes, Random Stuff | Comment (0)Australian Tourism Q&A
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe …Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ….oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
Filed under Funny...or not | Comment (0)SWINE FLU
What’s the hottest topic around at the moment? Swine Flu!!! Here’s some information to help you deal with this deadly virus:
REAL LIVE MEDICAL INFORMATION:
Flu is categorised into a number of different types, ie flu A, flu B & flu C. Flu A is the bird form (humans also have a flu A). Then we further categorise it according to the surface molecules, the H (for Haemagglutinin) and the N on the surface.
This new strain, what we’re calling “swine flu” is a H1N1 virus, which we know circulates in humans, pigs and birds. We’re guessing that initially a pig got some of its flu from a bird and then co-mixed that with the human form to produce this hybrid, which is why there are elements of all three.
AND OUR SPIN ON THE SITUATION:
How it all started….
How it’s being transmitted…
How to reduce the symptoms…
How to help friends & family who are diagnosed with Swine Flu….
And clearly some people have too much time on their hands 
DRAFT OVER 60′S
Drafting Guys over 60 —- this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier.
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b….
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
It’s purposely in big type so your senior friends can read it.
Housekeeping Monthly – The Good Wife’s Guide
YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME???!!!!!
Whilst there are times I rue living in this century, as I love fashion from the 1920’s to 1960’s, the following proves that I just wasn’t cut out for that era. If it’s not offensive enough that there was actually a magazine called “Housekeeping Monthly”, just take a look at this article that was published in 1955:
And remember, a good wife always knows her place!!!! HA!
Filed under Funny...or not, Gripes, Random Stuff | Comment (0)Happy 50th Birthday, Barbie!
Well, it was inevitable! Finally, as Barbie turns 50, she begins to resemble the “average woman” in 2009.
Happy 50th, Barbs! Why don’t you get stuck into that triple choc mud cake topped with custard-filled profiteroles and an extra dollop of cream?!
C’mon, it’ll make me feel better about myself
FIREMAN
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, ‘What are you?’
He says, ‘I’m a Fireman.’
‘But you’re only wearing a glass jar?’, says the woman.
‘Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I’ll come as fast as I can!’
Filed under Funny...or not | Comment (0)Strailya Mate!
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
“In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice,” he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
“Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass either,” he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, ‘In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.
Filed under Funny...or not | Comment (0)