1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.  (This was the winning entry, from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.  (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?  (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.  (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.  (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.  (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.  (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.”  (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”  (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.  (AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”  (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director’s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!”

15. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.  (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

And if you have a manager or boss that could compete with some of these….ummm, less than impressive leaders, then checkout www.epicbossfail.com

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

The others:  ”Both?”

Engineer:  “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Engineers believe that: “…if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”

- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

A.  Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

A few years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly unsolvable problem they were experiencing with one of their multi-million dollar machines.  They had tried everything and everyone to no avail.

In desperation, they called the retired engineer, who had solved so many of their problems in the past, begging him to help them out with this difficult situation.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.  He spent 1 day studying the huge machine.  At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is.”

The defective part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly to everyone’s relief.  The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.  They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:  “One chalk mark – $1.00.  Knowing where to put it – $49,999.00.”

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” ………. [dramatic pause] “Hi George, say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group fell silent for a moment.

The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”