Slap Chop

Enjoy coleslaw, but don’t like chopping the vegetables? Hate chopping onions? Can’t do it without crying? You, me and about a million other people …

“as seen on TV”

TV ads are always claiming they have the solution!  A brand new product that they guarantee to be the easiest and quickest way to chop, slice, dice and grate. But I’m confident that the Slap Chop wins “hands down”, after seeing it in action:

Checkout the video below to see why I’m sold:

If you’re as keen as I am, then buy the Slap Chop now from Amazon:

FIREMAN

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, ‘What are you?’

He says, ‘I’m a Fireman.’     

‘But you’re only wearing a glass jar?’, says the woman.

‘Exactly!   In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I’ll come as fast as I can!’

Strailya Mate!

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

“In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice,” he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the  glass to pieces.

“Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass either,” he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, ‘In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.

Gossip Girl Season 1

Gossip Girl here….

I’ve been known to appreciate a few TV series that are probably aimed at a younger crowd….Gossip Girl is no exception. I’ve now seen seasons 1 and 2, and am hooked. It’s your usual teen drama, based in Manhattan, and revolving around the lives and dramas of a bunch of rich kids and a couple of not-so-rich kids who are immersed in the elite world of Manhattan’s upper class. With a gorgeous cast, you’ll want to watch even if it’s just for the eye-candy.

Want to know a secret? A really juicy secret?

Look no further than the latest message from Manhattan’s notorious blogger Gossip Girl. She keeps tabs on the city’s most elite teens as they make the rounds from the preppiest school events to the most lavish, decadent parties. And between Serena and Blair’s explosive friendship, Dan and Serena’s budding romance, Nate and Blair’s fairytale relationship (or is it?), Chuck’s escapades and Jenny’s introduction to the glamorous life, there’s a lot to track.

In this 5-disc, 18 episode Season One, friends, lovers, rivals and enemies abound. Even the darkest secrets don’t stay hidden for long. You know you love it.

X O X O

Buy Gossip Girl S1 from only $47.50 from www.fishpond.com.au – search below

 

All Products Books Music Movies

The Woman’s Lament

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ’seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ‘ The Stance.’

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance.’

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser . In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT . It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every ima ginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire h ose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat . You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

WHY GOD MADE MOTHERS

Why God made Mums — BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other Mum?
1. We’re related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a clot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lo t more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dad s are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Raincoats

For anyone who has ever wondered why raincoats are yellow….this should explain everthing!!!!

Puddles....yippeee

Gee, it's chilly out here...

Oh, I know why....I forgot my scarf!!!

Oh dear!!!!!

Are you colour blind?

Approx 20% of the white, male population and a tiny fraction of the female population are colour blind (Red-Green Colour Blindness being the most common).   Here’s a quick test to find out where you fit.

Take a look at the coloured circles below and see if you can identify the numbers contained within.  If you can correctly identify the numbers then you are not colour blind, and are considered to have normal colour vision. 

Below are the correct answers to what a person with normal color vision would see – and what most people with Red-Green color blindness see.   This may help you to understand why it’s so tough for colour blind people to find the right socks and why they like bright colors.

Normal Colour Vision

56               8
45               6
29               25

Red-Green Colour Blind

56               Spots
Spots         Spots
Spots         25

Here’s another simple test:

An individual with normal colour vision should see the number 5 emerge from the pattern, whereas an individual with red-green colour blindness should see the number 2.

*Please note that this is by no means a scientific exam and you should not take this information as gospel.  If you think you might be colour blind, you should see your GP and arrange for an eye exam.

Tact and Diplomacy

Consider substituting the name ”Ron” for “Pete”, and the name Julie for “Kristy”, and you have an inkling of how I feel

~~~~~

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes  harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they  were younger.  When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are  over-sensitive and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,  Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie  to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her  age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home  from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she  has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t shout  at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets  dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again  is out of the question; I’m ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s usual  for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can  by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t  clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to  motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it  is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take  them for better or worse, so I just smile   and  offer encouragement. I tell  her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have   to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and  then won’t hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She  has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and  several extra breaks when she’s vacuuming through the house. It does annoy  me, vacuuming when I’m trying to watch my favorite program, but I try not to  make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea  and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she  may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I’m not  saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it  difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how  frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a  little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this  article, I will consider that writing it was well  worthwhile. After all, we  are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch  Stanley  screwdriver rammed up his posterior with only 2 inches showing.
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence  that he accidentally sat on it.

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD

I’m not sure who’s the original author of this piece, but I really have to give them credit for a spectacularly hilarious rant, which all rings “oh so familiar” …oh yeah that’s right, this year I turn 30…OMG!!!!!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…Uphill…barefoot…BOTH ways!!!

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
…Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove …. Imagine that!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted
five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd